Surprise Visitor

Marc and I have many couple friends we go out with for double-date nights.  Some of the couples have kids younger than ours and some are older.  This is a conversation we had with one couple (who shall remain anonymous).  The conversation started by debating at what age children start remembering things (long term memory).  Some things we want them to remember (like their first trip to Disneyland) and other things we don’t want them to remember, like this:

Husband: So has your kid walked in on you having sex yet?
Me: No (Marc also nods his head no)
Husband: Well, mentally prepare yourself for when it does happen because it is inevitable.  It happens to every couple at some point or another.
Wife: (nods in agreement)
Husband: It happened to us when my daughter was five.  My wife and I were enjoying some extracurricular activity one night, the kind where I get to lay back and relax while she does all the work…and I happen to look over to my right and see my daughter standing there in the dark.  She didn’t say anything and I have no idea how long she had been standing there.  I tried to sit up, but wifey here was so into it, so I mumbled something…
Wife: And I was like Oh My God!  and jumped away from him.
Husband: Yeah, we didn’t know what to say and so we just looked at her for a while and then we asked what she needed. I don’t even remember now why she came in our room that night all I can remember is how shocked I was and how I hope it’s not something she will remember.  Although I remember seeing my mom naked when I was 2.
Me: Two?!  Oh hell. Mason is 3 and I can’t keep him out of our bathroom.  If I have to shower during the daytime then I set him in front of the TV or with his toys and tell him to stay there until I come and get him, but half the time he just walks in while I’m getting dressed.  (Then I tell them the “boobie holder” story which is in another post.)

During this whole conversation I am making mental notes about how to avoid this from happening, but I can’t think of a full-proof scenario, so…oh well honey, I guess we can’t have sex anymore.

 

Bath Fail

If you have boys, you know how sometimes their rooms and bathrooms start smelling a little funky.  So when I went to dress Mason for school, I noticed a musty smell.  It made me wonder…when is the last time Mason took a bath?

I’m sure it sounds weird for a mom not to know when her kids had a bath, right?  Well, in our house we have an arrangement.  Since Marc doesn’t get home until around 7 PM at night and the kids go to bed at 8:00 PM, our evenings are a rush.  I try to cook dinner before he gets home and when he gets there he plays with the kids and gives them their baths while I am finishing dinner or doing whatever I need to do.  So basically, it’s up to Dad.  But usually I hear water running or hear them talking about bath time and it occurred to me I didn’t remember hearing about bath stuff in a while.

So when I went downstairs, I asked my husband:
Me: Marc, when is the last time Mason took a bath?
Marc: (Looks at me kind of funny and pauses) Hmmm, that’s a good question.  I think a week and a half.



Sigh.

Bottom of the Barrel Lunch

You know how things get…well I have not been to the grocery store in two weeks.  I am going today, but poor Mason, he’s getting scraps for lunch.  He got a “heel” sandwich because the only bread left was the two heels and no drink.  So I put a note on his lunch for the teacher.

Mommy the Sailor

My most epic fail as a parent has to be my language.  It comes from years of working in IT with manufacturing plant employees, executives and salesmen.  Not that they are all guilty of it, but it’s pretty prevalent.  When Mason was born I worked really hard to avoid saying any cuss words.  I really tried.  It always happens when your guard is down and you break something, spill something, hurt yourself, etc.  So honestly, after a while, I just gave up.  It’s not like I say the F-word on a daily basis, but any cuss word is not acceptable when repeated by a toddler.

As a result, there was a 2 month period in Mason’s life when he was around 2.5 years things got pretty yucky.  Mason loves words.  Of all kinds.  I decided to tackle the situation just like I would any other type of thing he is not supposed to do that his parents do.  I told him some words are “adult words” and kids are not allowed to say them.  Luckily he wasn’t running around saying bad things all the time, but the handful of times it happened, it was both simultaneously hilarious (in a twisted sort of way) and humiliating.

Mommy’s favorite word (apparently) is sonofabitch.  Yes, it’s one word.  And to get the full impact and meaning, you have to say it very low and slow in a drawn out Texas drawl.

s  o  n  o  f  a  b  i  t  c  h

And the context is:

You grab the bottle of apple juice from the fridge by the cap, but the cap wasn’t put on tightly, so the contents spill all in the fridge, all over the floor, under the fridge and across the counter and the bottle is at the other side of the kitchen: sonofabitch
You come out of the coffee shop and sit your $5 coffee on top of the car to strap both of the kids in their car seats.  You drive off and realize the brand new and full frapaccino you drug both kids in and out of the car to get was still on top of the car: sonofabitch
You are rocking your baby daughter to sleep for nap time while your 2 yr old (who is potty training) is watching TV.  Then you hear a toilet flush in the bathroom and dread washes over you.  After the baby is asleep, you go to the bathroom and find your son in the bathroom with no clothes on.  He tells you, “I had an accident (poopy) but I cleaned it all up myself!”  It’s all over him, the floor, the toilet, the tub, the wall…sonofabitch

Keeping this in mind…we were playing at the park one day when Mason was about 2.5, and I think we were there a couple of hours.  When we got back home, I smelt something stinky.  Mason had an accident.  So I took him upstairs to change him.  When I took off his underwear, his bottom was red.  I told him:

Me: Mason honey, your bottom is red.  I have to clean it to get the poop off, but it’s probably going to hurt a little bit.
Mason: Why?
Me: Because you had an accident at the park and you didn’t tell Mommy, so I didn’t know.  You HAVE to tell Mommy if you have an accident because if the poopy stays on your butt then you get booboos.  So since you didn’t tell Mommy you needed to go potty or that you had an accident, now it’s going to hurt a little when I clean it.
Mason: sonofabitch

Well, can you blame him?  But that was the day I had to teach him about “adult words” and what words are not appropriate for 2 year olds.

By the way…I also say Goddamnit.  This one happens when you drop something on your foot, break a glass, or step on the dog.  It is said much faster and goes like this:

GOD  pause damnit.

Mason came home from school one day during the “adult words” training phase and we were in the kitchen.  He dropped his cup of juice on the floor:

Mason: God damnit!  Oops!  I sorry Mommy!  We say “Oh my goodness” instead.

Hmmm, I didn’t teach him that.  So…that means he must have cussed at school and they told him to say Oh my goodness.  Yikes!  Mason goes to a small mother’s day program run by a Baptist church.  I really can’t think of anything more degrading than a group of little ol’ church ladies knowing I taught my son to curse in God’s name.  But the irony of the situation is still pretty hilarious.

Lastly, there was apparently a time when Mason cussed in front of another family member.  And apparently the family member, whereas they don’t cuss of course, thought the right thing to tell Mason to do was to say “stupid” instead.   Not a good idea!  Stupid is also a word now on our “adult words” list.  After the incident happened, Mason was playing with a friend and the friend took a toy away from him.

Mason: Hey stupid Bobby!  You stupid!  (name changed)
Both I and the other parent heard it.
Other parent: Did Mason just call my kid stupid? (in an angry tone)
Me: I’m afraid so and I’m really sorry!  I didn’t teach him that I swear! (put Mason in time out and added “stupid” to the adult word list)

Of course the irony is, if he had said the words he learned from me, it would have been even worse!  But no, even “stupid” is not an appropriate word for a 2.5 year old.